The Tug of War: Feelings vs. Reality

Today I found myself in the midst of a battle. A real, full-fledged battle where my mind squirmed and screamed. I am a woman. I do my best to be the definition of what a woman should be; nurturing, tough enough to kill a spider but gentle enough to hold a baby, poised, strong, loving, graceful, sacrificing, and of course, selfless. I tend to think of myself as a french manicure with just a little dirt underneath my fingernails.

The problem is that I am a woman- and I am therefore chalk-full of emotions, which we all know can lead to a little two-headed poison called Insecurity and Irrationality.

Don't get me wrong- I know that emotions are a good thing, and no one should ever judge you because of your feelings. Feelings are honest and personal, they are never stupid- no matter how stupid they are. Because they are you- they are your feelings, your emotions.

And this is where the tug-of-war begins. They say that the experience is only 10% and the interpretation of that experience (feelings) is 90%. So does this mean that one out weighs the other? I don't think it does, but how does a girl find a way to balance her feelings with reality?

My brain, the logical, realistic half, believes that things having to do with relationships, men and other little things, shouldn't bother me. My brain (lets call her Verda) says that I should be more understanding and patient. Verda also believes with all her little hypothalamus (an anatomical gland of the brain which releases all the hormones that cause you to "feel" everything) that I should be less of a 'Bella'. Verda hates Bella. She will stop at nothing to force Bella out of me.

But Bella lives on. See, Bella sneaks up on me when I least expect her. Suddenly, something that Verda would classify as totally insignificant and nothing to worry about becomes something that is life or death, make or break!! Bella makes the dumbest of things seem like the end of the world.

And then I end up crying and feeling like an idiot. And Bella fuels the fire by conjuring up impossibly stupid scenarios and burning my feelings deeper into my already tormented heart.

And then I end up saying something I don't mean. Bella whispered it in my ear. Verda yells at her and then I feel like more of an idiot. I hurt the feelings of the one I love most and Bella tells me there is nothing I can ever do to fix it. She is such a liar. I know that she is lying- but I still feel awful.

Verda calms me and reminds me that everything will be alright. I take in a few deep breaths, drink a glass of light chocolate soy milk and maybe pop a Midol or two. After a few moments (or hours) of reflection, I realize that Verda was right all along, and it really was not the end of the world. Just something silly that doesn't have any eternal consequence at all. Life goes on and Bella sucks.

...for reals